Mother Nature's New Enemy: Herself

SANTIAGO, Chile (AP) - In response to the eruption of Chile’s Chaitén Volcano earlier this week, environmental experts are asking the international community to step up its efforts to prevent volcanic eruptions. A group of the world's most respected climatologists have convened in Chile this week to discuss strategies to combat alarmingly high emissions of CO₂ and other known greenhouse gases from the world's most irresponsible volcanoes. Al Gore, Nancy Pelosi, Sheryl Crow, Bono, and Rev. Jeremiah Wright were among those attending the summit.

According to climate computer models, this cloud of ash will raise the earth's temperature by 10^57 degrees Fahrenheit by 2004The problem of volcanic eruptions has vexed environmentalists for years because, while harmful to the environment, eruptions cannot be directly blamed on humans. According to Chairman Al Gore, "We always knew there must be some connection between the irresponsible actions of industrialized nations and volcanic eruptions, but we weren't able to connect the dots. However, with the research done earlier this week, all that has changed."

While Gore was traveling on his private jet from the U.S. to Chile to join the summit, he presented the findings of a study conducted by researchers at the University of California - Berkeley that shows a direct link between Big Oil and volcanic eruptions. In what Speaker Pelosi labeled "a breakthrough similar to that of the invention of the Prius," the study concluded that Big Oil companies in the Middle East have caused what they are referring to as a "sucking/spewing phenomenon." By pumping millions of gallons of oil out of one side of the planet, a pressure imbalance is created under the surface of the earth, resulting in violent volcanic eruptions on the exact opposite side of the globe. Based on the results of this "scientific consensus," Gore is calling for the immediate impeachment of George W. Bush and a 97% tax rate on the Super Rich, which includes anyone with an annual income of $37,000 or more.

Under Pelosi's plan, Chileans could either walk, bike, or utilize "natural" means of transportation.Addressing the people of Chile, Pelosi declared, "The time for discussion is over. We need to begin taking meaningful steps toward volcanic eruption reductions." When asked what those steps might be, Pelosi said that a number of options were being discussed. One such option would involve taking 75% of the world's corn supply and dumping it into the five volcanoes that are most likely to erupt in the next 5,000 years. Bono explained that "the scientists told me that dumping all that corn into the top of these volcanoes would plug them up really good. Something about the intense heat and corn syrup…. We all know how sticky corn syrup is, so I think it would really, you know, be really good. Good, and loving. And good. We need more loving, and more good."

Rev. Wright was concerned about the possible ramifications of such a plan. At the top of his list of concerns was the possibility that if the supply of corn was insufficient to plug the most dangerous volcanoes, the U.S. government would instead throw African Americans into the volcano. "We've seen-ah what they done with the H-I-Veee Virus-ah. What's next-ah? Blacks versus the Volcano-ah!"

One mask per person, please. And don't forget to recycle.Gore assured the Reverend that his concerns were unfounded, but said Wright had given him an even better idea. Gore suggested that instead of slowly starving the Earth's poorest residents to death by converting their food supplies into bio-fuels, a new policy could be adopted that would give the world's hungry another option. With funding provided by higher taxes on Big Oil and the Super Rich, the U.N. could airlift hundreds of thousands of starving people out of their deprivation and drop them directly into the mouths of volcanoes. "It's like killing two birds with one stone, " quipped the former Vice President.

While cleanup efforts continue in Chile, Sheryl Crow reminded Chileans effected by the eruption that they should consider protecting the environment by only using one dust mask each.