Pete and I have this game we play where we take turns coming up with hypothetical confrontations between various animals, super heroes, and historical figures. It usually goes something like this…
Pete: Who would win in a fight between a snake and a, um, a SHARK?
Me: Man, that's a tough one but I think the shark would win because of its huge mouth with all of those big, huge teeth.
Pete: Yeah, you're probably right, but snakes are pretty tough, too.
Since it's been so bloomin' hot lately, we've all been sleeping together in the guest room in the basement. Aside from the blessedly cool temperature, another added benefit has been getting to talk to Pete while we all fall asleep.
Last night, after about 45 consecutive seconds of silence (that in itself is noteworthy), I heard Pete's little voice from his bed on the other side of the room. "Who would win in a fight," he asked, "between Jesus and a whale?" I immediately answered that Jesus, the Son of God, would easily win in a fight with a whale because he's JESUS! Pete agreed, adding that "Jesus could *punch* the whale right in the face and it would probably go away."
Can't argue with that logic.
Why didn't anyone tell me?
I just found out today that Jay Mohr is now a columnist for foxsports.com. He's only three articles into the job, but man… he's freakin' hilarious.
From "Meet Jay Mohr"
I hate the designated hitter rule in baseball. A baseball player should not have a 15-year career without owning a mitt. If pitchers hit in both leagues, sure scoring would go down — but getting drilled in the back would be way, way up. I don't think Roger Clemens would have decapitated Mike Piazza in the World Series if he was due to lead off the next inning.
[...]
I find it hilarious that Los Angeles has a soccer team but no football team. Soccer sucks. Most soccer games end by a score of 2-1. If you played the entire game without goalies, it would end 9-8.
Hockey sucks too. I can't root for a guy whose name on the back of his jersey has no vowels. I also don't think a sport is legitimate if its inception depended on the weather.
[...]
I think that Bud Selig looks like Stephen Hawking.
From "Asterisk isn't enough for Barry Bonds"
Last week the Seattle Mariners' mascot ran over Red Sox center fielder Coco Crisp while driving an ATV. Miraculously, J.D. Drew was not injured. Why is the Seattle Mariners' mascot a Moose? A mariner is a seafaring explorer. I don't think the ancient mariners came across many moose on the open seas. Something went horribly wrong in the marketing department in Seattle.
[...]
I will not get into the habit of addressing my critics but this is an exception. For all of you soccer maniacs out there, you need to come down off your high horses. Just because I do not like soccer, does not mean that I do not know how to play soccer. Nor does it mean that I don't "understand" soccer or "appreciate" soccer.
Soccer — (nee) futbol — is a sport I grew up around. I played it constantly. My Uncle Bob was the head coach at Drew University and my family had season tickets to the New York Cosmos for years. I spent my entire childhood watching Pele pass a ball to Franz Beckenbauer. I watched plenty of Seninho and Rick Davis as a child and even saw Carlos Alberto punch Shep Messing in the back during warm ups once. I know how to play soccer, I appreciate soccer, and I get soccer. I don't like soccer. If soccer is so fantastic, then why isn't it successful here? Maybe if you spent less time on message boards and more time in the seats at a Galaxy game, there might be an MLS five years from now! And stop telling me that proof that soccer must be great is because every other country plays it. Have you seen every other country? C'mon, I'm supposed to get fired up for soccer because they are playing it in Cameroon? I'll stick with running water and baseball.
Finally, Jay Mohr impersonating Christopher Walken reading "Good Night Moon" on The Simpsons:
I probably won't get anything done at work this afternoon…
UPDATE: Jay is hosting the Jim Rome show today as well. SWEET.
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