The routine
Liberal/Socialist 1: I don't like the way things are going lately. We need to find a way to increase our political power.
Liberal/Socialist 2: Yeah, I agree. We need to think of a way to raise taxes and increase people's dependence on government intervention in every aspect of their lives.
Liberal/Socialist 3: But how can we convince people that *we* know what's best for them better than they know themselves? Don't you think that people will resent the idea of us taking more of their money away from them, keeping a little for ourselves and giving the rest to someone else?
L/S 1: Good point. This could be tricky.
L/S 2: Wait. I've got it! Remember that movie, Canadian Bacon? You know, the one with John Candy and Alan Alda? The President of the United States (Alda) needs to raise his opinion polls and jump start the economy. So, he starts a "Cold War" (get it?) with Canada. Of course, there's no real threat to the U.S., but the people buy into it and start burning their ice skates and dumping out bottles of maple syrup.
L/S/1: Where are you going with this?
L/S 2: What I'm saying is that we need to create some kind of common enemy. An enemy so frightening that people will think the very world will come to an end if we don't do something to stop it. Then, we ride in on white horses and promise to "SAVE THE WORLD," for the small price of higher taxes and a little bit of freedom sacrificed on the altar of international government.
L/S 3: Do you think people are really so ignorant that they would believe something like that?
L/S 2: Well, we'll need a little help from The Media, and our friends in Hollywood.
L/S 1: They've always helped us in the past.
L/S 2: And, it will have to be something complicated enough that nobody can prove that it *isn't* a threat. I've been around the Internet long enough to know that if you can't prove it wrong, it MUST be true.
L/S 3: Alright, how about something like aliens or UFOs?
L/S 2: No, BIGGER.
L/S 1: How about gigantic worms that tunnel through the ground and swallow up entire buildings?
L/S 2: Like in Tremors? No, too much "Kevin Bacon." Not enough "Canadian Bacon."
L/S 3: How about something to do with animals?
L/S 2: Or the oceans. People like the ocean.
L/S 3: We do have some momentum going on the tree-hugger front. Have you been in an elementary school lately?!? [chuckles to himself]
L/S 1: That's it! The environment!
L/S 2: Um… I'm a little confused. How are we going to make people believe that the environment is going to kill them?
L/S 1: Imagine a world where there is total climate chaos. Killer storms wiping out entire cities. New York, Miami, L.A., Seattle… all under water. Droughts that make the '30's look like monsoon season. Polar bears and penguins dying off in droves. Temperatures shooting up to unprecedented record highs.
L/S 3: Unprecedented as in 100 degrees higher than normal?
L/S 1: No, as in .6 degrees celcius higher over a hundred year period.
L/S 2: That doesn't sound like a whole lot.
L/S 1: Maybe not to you, but if we get enough scientists on board we can convince people that a half-degree celcius every century is enough to kill every polar bear and penguin on earth… *IF* we don't do something now, and something drastic at that.
L/S 2: What do you have in mind?
L/S 1: Something that will affect everyone in America. What do Americans love more than anything?
L/S 2: Their CARS!
L/S 1: Bingo. We'll tell them their beloved cars are to blame for this rapid increase in global temperatures. That way, everyone will feel guilty enough to pay higher taxes, but not so guilty that they quit driving. As long as Americans keep driving, we can keep sounding the alarm. We'll get some "well respected climatologists" to deliver the news that our cars are melting the ice caps.
L/S 3: What if the scientists don't agree with our little charade?
L/S 1: None of them would dare. Once we get the ball rolling, they will realize they'd be fools to oppose us. We'll get the media to throw the word "consensus" around like it's going out of style, and then any free-thinking scientists who disagree with our version of the story will be ostracized.
L/S 2: It worked with evolution!
L/S 3: Good point.
L/S 1: If that's not enough to keep these flat-earthers quiet, we'll get nasty. I'm talking about research funding drying up overnight. It won't take long before they learn to keep their mouths shut.
L/S 3: Maybe, but a lot of research is publicly funded. Don't you think that at least a few politicians will stand in our way if we try to pull research funds like that?
L/S 1: Two words: Big Oil. If anyone stands in our way, we will play them off as pawns of the oil industry. Since oil companies profit every time we drive, and every time we drive the planet dies a little more, they'll be an easy scapegoat. Big oil is to the environment as crack dealers are to the inner city.
L/S 2: Nice metaphor.
L/S 3: Actually, it's a simile. Any time you use "like" or "as," it's a simile, not a metaphor.
L/S 2: Whatever.
L/S 1: Guys… stick with me.
L/S 2: Right. So, anyway, once we have Hollywood, the media, and the scientific community behind us, what's the next step?
L/S 1: Total world domination.
L/S 3: You can't be serious.
L/S 1: Nah, I'm just messing with you. Seriously, though. Once we've convinced enough suckers that we are facing nothing short of an apocalypse if we don't make some serious changes, we'll have the keys to the candy store, so to speak. Let's do a little role playing to prove my point. You pretend to be "The People" and I'll be "The Government."
L/S 2: O.K. I'm ready.
L/S 1: "The world is going to end."
L/S 2: "Save us, O Government."
L/S 1: "But, *we* can save you!"
L/S 2: "Save us, O Government."
L/S 1: "Of course, it's going to cost you."
L/S 2: "Save us, O Government."
L/S 1: "We need to raise your taxes, impose hefty fines on businesses, and limit your personal freedom by penalizing you for driving the wrong kind of car or buying goods and services from companies that aren't on our 'Green list'."
L/S 2: "Save us, O Government."
L/S 1: "We'll also need to give up a few more freedoms and subject ourselves to the authority of international bodies such as the U.N. and the E.U."
L/S 2: "Save us, O Government."
L/S 1: "Of course, we'll also need to be elected in perpetuity, otherwise the world will end."
L/S 2: "Save us, O Government."
L/S 1: See? This plan is brilliant. There's no way it can fail!
L/S 2: "Save us, O Government."
L/S 3: Cut that out. Couldn't you tell that the role playing was over?
L/S 2: Oh, right. Sorry, I didn't notice that last statement wasn't wrapped in quotes.
L/S 1: Honest mistake. Well, what do you say we get started right away?
L/S 3: I'll call Al Gore. If you guys can get Oprah and Tim Robbins on the phone, that would be a good start.
L/S 2: We're on it like piercings on a barista.
L/S 3: Nice simile.
L/S 1: Guys… get to work.
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