Martian Warming

Apparently, humans aren't the only ones at risk of the cataclysmic effects of global warming. Turns out Earth's reddest neighbor has seen significant shrinking in its ice caps between 1999 and 2005. The Martian media was quick to point out that George W. Bush was personally responsible for the planet-wide warming trend, noting that the exponential growth in the number of Mars Exploration Rovers (put there by NASA, an organization that Bush oversees) has indisputably caused the drastic climate shift the Red Planet is undergoing.

Two researchers at Duke University (on Earth) disputed these claims, pointing out that the Sun is the most likely culprit behind the Earth's current warming trend, accounting for "as much as 45-50% of the 1900-2000 global warming" the planet experienced. One could conclude that Mars, due to the fact that it orbits the same star as the Earth, may be experiencing a similar effect.

Kofi Annan was quick to dismiss these scientists as lunatics under the control of the Bush administration and/or the Religious Right. Sanctions against Duke University are currently being discussed, though it is unclear whether the U.N. has jurisdiction to penalize a university within the United States. Michael Nifong, the prevailing legal expert in Durham, North Carolina, could not be reached for comment.

Interestingly enough, Jupiter and Pluto have also been experiencing significant climate changes in past decades, lending some credebility to the research done at Duke. Richard Wilson, a scientist affiliated with the Goddard Institute for Space Studies, reports that "solar radiation has been increasing since the late 19th century. If a trend, comparable to the one found in this study, persisted throughout the 20th century, it would have provided a significant component of the global warming the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change reports to have occurred over the past 100 years." This increased solar activity would explain the global warming that apears to be going on throughout the solar system.

When presented with this information, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi commented, "Pluto? Hmmph. It's not even a planet anymore." Pelosi said she would have her staff look into the data on the Sun's increased radiation emission, and that she will consider sending a multi-national climate keeping force to the sun if necessary (with U.N. permission, of course).